*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
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Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.