[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
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I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
BARTENDER: how do you take it?
ME: personally
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
what do you want!!!!!!!!
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella
wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella