[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
You Might Also Like
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
I hope I never meet “the woman of my dreams” because that woman is neon green and nine feet tall and chases me with a weed whacker
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
ONLINE QUIZ: “According to your answers, the Sorting Hat says you are a: —HUFFLEPUFF—”
BIG BAD WOLF: Whaaaaaat?? That has to be the stupidest thi– oooh, I get it…
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?