These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
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I hope google does well on my son’s test
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Stonehinge
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.