@ScottLinnen: Cats are just fuzzy plants that hate you.
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@12spoopy11u: Sally sells seashells by the seashore. Her monopoly has left the seashore economy in shambles. 86% of hermit crabs are now homeless.
@Scott_A_Gilmore: ~ Gets old. Puts car keys in 'better' place so I won't lose them ~ Can't find keys, has thrombosis—Dies ~ Comes back as ghost … finds keys
@alizmay: Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.