@ScottLinnen: Cats are just fuzzy plants that hate you.
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@TheBoydP: If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
@iamspacegirl: pros of being a jellyfish: -gelatinous body type. -tentacles. -sting the shit out of anything that tries to hug you. -low expectations.
@OutOfLeftField_: Sent my ex a card that said, "Get better soon." He's not ill, just really crap in bed.