@ScottLinnen: Cats are just fuzzy plants that hate you.
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@meladoodle: Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
@ElgatoEsmio: If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
@Chumpstring: [Death Row] GUARD: last requests? INMATE: a little heroin would be nice TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard* INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
@DistractedMomma: Remember, you are faster and trickier than they are. - Me, to myself, when I'm fighting a kid at the playground for the last swing.