I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
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“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Don’t frighten the programmers!
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Oooh honey, you were amazing last night. Can we do that again tonight?
Him: “… I slept on the couch.”
Mmmm yeahh
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat