cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
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Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
brian had himself a morning…
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Breaking news:
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
These 3D printers are insane!
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all