[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
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What a relief. Bring on the nukes
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
Bradley Cooper is saying it took him 6 years to learn to conduct a 6 minute piece of music. Buddy you have to say more. What’s 6 years? Every day? Once a week? Did you take a year off. Did you take 5 1/2 years off. What possibly could take 6 years please this is ruining my life
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.