Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
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Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
It’s an epidemic…
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Instead of a tweet up,
I think all the twitter crushes should get together for a weekend in the mountains
You know…
A Couples Retweet
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.