ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
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Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road