Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
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This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
6: Dad, what’s the biggest thing in the world?
Me: Uh
6: Nevermind, Siri…
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
I feel this so hard
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller