Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
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[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Green Shell Koopa Dad: If your friends jumped off a bridge, would you?
Red Shell Koopa Son: No
Dad: This is the problem with your generation
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
[shakes fist at other fist]
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.