I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
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Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
I only treason on days ending in y
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
I was up all night reading about insomnia
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
We’re looking for a place with a nice view of the sidewalk, a big garden to dig up and a soundproof basement for storms.
–Dog House Hunters
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.