Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
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How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.