Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
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Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Put a ring on it
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Marriage is like sitting in a wobbly chair, it’s annoying but you’re settled and too lazy to find another seat.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you