Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
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Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.
Play a fun prank with your kids by hiding a bigger Elf on the Shelf in your house each day so in a few weeks he’s 10 feet tall and they’re absolutely terrified of Christmas.
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.