Cats that run under your legs display the same genius as someone walking into traffic.
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They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
My reactions
1st child’s problems: I WILL fix this!!
2nd child’s problems: Let me know if you need help.
3rd child’s problems: Good luck.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Need this in my life lol
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”