If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
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What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I hate when you’re buying weapons-grade uranium and the guy is like “What are you gonna use it for?” It’s none of your business
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
May your day taste like creamy soup.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
#math
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.