Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
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interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
men, we mow at sunrise.