[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
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[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Saying you make your own luck is a gross oversimplification. No one ever mentions how hard it is to collect enough leprechaun toenails for a decent batch.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.