*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
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Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”
5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”
Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”
5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Going back to the 90’s.. You’ll want anything??