Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
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[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood