Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
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*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
When they did special effects on Murder on the Orient Express, that was Poirotechnics
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.