Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
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Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Feel. He’s so soft.
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
calling a guy “my ex”
-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriendcalling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-true
-but makes me look pathetic
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.