Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
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HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that most of life’s problems can be solved by owning a rat that can electrocute people
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?