@ElleOhHell: 911? I'm a man trapped in a woman's body! "That's not exactly an emergency." Oh. Huh. Ok. *Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

@RamblingMachine: If I had a dollar for every time I fell for a tweeter instead of a real person, I could pay for the psychiatric help I obviously need.

@E_lok44: I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.

@Mr_Kapowski: *runs into dental hygienist in store* Me: How are you? Her: *starts to respond but I shove my fingers in her mouth* Me: Not so easy huh

@ojedge: [on a plane] Stewardess: "Would you like a mint? It'll help your ears during takeoff" Me: "Sure, can I have two?" *puts one in each ear*