Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
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How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
My husband just said, “I have a game I think you’d be interested in that I bet you haven’t heard of…
It’s called Wordle”
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
🏙👨🏼
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Forget a beach bod I want a bat’s bod give me giant fangs and the long, leathery wings I need to rule the night
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.