cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
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My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
How all things should be taught/explained.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
I’m sorry I used your Diva Cups to quarantine my sea monkeys.
[9pm on a Saturday night]
Apple Watch: You can still do it! Just take a brisk 20 minute walk to close your exercise ring.
Me: You know I can “forget” to charge you anytime I choose, right?
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
My Sentiments Exactly
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.