How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
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I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn’t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It’s causing quite a stir…
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.