Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
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*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
You look like you would fail a DNA test
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
But I really needed water water water
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd