CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
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Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon