CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
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*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.