[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
You Might Also Like
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
Extremely relatable.
Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
This is my cat’s medicine.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I walked into our bedroom and stepped on my wife’s bra
It was a boobie trap
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.