@fro_vo: *caveman discovers weed*
*caveman invents fire*
*stone age begins*
@stevevsninjas: CEO: We will be taking the company photo a fourth time, because it came out blurry AGAIN.
Loch Ness Monster: *sweats, adjusts fake mustache*
@tamberinetango: Chances of my kid no longer liking their 'favourite' snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
@Sassafrantz: Just found a new app that that tells you which one of your friends are boring. It's called Facebook.
@withanewname: "SIRI, WHERE'S THE REMOTE?"
"SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!"
"SIRI, WHERE'S MY DINNER?"
Wife: "She's either deaf, or had sex with you too."
@bobvulfov: [as i'm getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who's gonna feed my tamagotchis