every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
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Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.