Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
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Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
The first 16 hours after getting out of bed are the hardest.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
I’ve already accomplished* so much today
*been afraid of a goose
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
How do dragons blow out candles?
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that