CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
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When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules