Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
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An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
I think my life exists only so an angel can show the successful me from an alternate universe of how much worse it could have been!
#alternative
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes