ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
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Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?