I replaced the glass in my bathroom windows so the tree outside can see exactly what I do with toilet paper.
You know what paper is? I yell
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[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Planet of the Apps.
I’m a pancake in that I’m attracted to all cakes equally.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”