@markleggett: Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.
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@TheCiscoKidder: Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, "You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!"
@SuperApple80: The hardest part of being an astronaut would probably be the constant smell of poop in my spacesuit any time something went slightly wrong.
@daemonic3: DOCTOR: I have some bad news. You have HIV ROMAN: What?! DOCTOR: Do you have any questions at this time? ROMAN: Yes, wtf is H4?