@markleggett: Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.
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@Dutch_50: What's the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
@pissrifle: good news Craig, we got your murder charge bumped down to theft. just tell us why you stole that dude's blood/bones
@jlock17: Subway only exists because we're all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together. "Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here's $8."