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My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
*feels butterflies in his stomach while going on the first date*
– guess I shouldn’t have run through the garden with my mouth open.
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge