Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
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I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Strange
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks