Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
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The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Still disappointed that the only hard thing in my bed lately has been my mattress.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.