CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
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If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?
Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.
Wife: okay no.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
Called it
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.