“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
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A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Holy moly
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the nite of the 5th?”
Stabbing a guy.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Grabbing a pie. I went out for pie.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
just having fun
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium