Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
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Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
WIFE:
“At recess today, some kid named Billy told our daughter that he had butterflies in his stomach. Isn’t that adorable?”ME:
”That Miller kid? He’ll eat anything.”
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”