#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
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People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).