you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
You Might Also Like
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Need WebMD
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.