Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
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Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Went to scout a park for my son’s birthday and found out a thing people hate is a guy by himself taking pictures of a park.
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
what do you want!!!!!!!!
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
There’s never enough good news
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.