@Paxochka: Champagne says I'm classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
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@PissingLaughter: Fake moms- 'I never want to be away from my children' Real moms- 'You drop that pizza, I'll put you up for adoption'
@ericsshadow: Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
@juliussharpe: Parachuting is probably the best way to put your life in the hands of a backpack.