Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
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My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
My kitchen overserved me.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Huge, if true.