doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
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Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.
Trust me on this.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
Sir, you can’t walk up to the drive through window.
[45 minutes later]
*gallops up to window on stick horse*
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
❤️🦆
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
huge if true: the moon
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.