Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
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If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
When I get naked in front of a man for the first time I never do it slowly and seductively, that would just give him time to get away.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
I like to live on the edge by taking my kids for a haircut and then going home to show my wife what I let happen
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Who called baby elephants calves and not inphants
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
My dad overheard a conversation at Thanksgiving about the show The Last of Us and wanted to binge it before Christmas, but he accidentally watched This Is Us instead and his texts to the group chat about “where are the zombies” are insane