“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
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Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
A cat walks into a bar. The bartender laughs and says, “Let me guess, you want a Moscow mew? Or a vodcat martini? Maybe a purry furry daiquiri?”
The cat scowls. “I’ve been working all day, and now I need a real drink, not a silly pun. Shut up and give me a whisker sour.”
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[moments after time traveling to 1863]
LINCOLN: four score & seven years ago
ME: [behind a tree] JUST SAY IT NORMAL
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
#oldknees
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Bartenders are just boneless bars
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.